Kiss and Tell

Good morning, love.

For the most part I enjoy meeting guys on dating sites. This guy, however, is nuts. He’s been writing me for a while and I never respond. This morning he sent these…

EMAIL 1 - 10:27am

looking for someone kind and respectful. ?????
really?
are you?
you sure?

EMAIL 2 - 10:39am

i am guessing your just not fat enough for me
thats probably the iissue here

i think i only get responses from really over weight or fat girls on this site

and obviously thats not you so i should know better i guess lol

EMAIL 3 - 10:44am

wish cupid would stop throwing you on the top of my match list and emailing me all the time telling me i should message you that we are such a good match and looking for the same things

ughh ok maybe i will write to cupid about that
see if they can stop shoving you in my face every day

EMAIL 4 - 11:09am

what if i wrote you a poem?

LOL

r

i toots love you.

do you ever wonder if you’ll find the right person who won’t mind if you fart and poop in front of them?

when will i ever stop trying to rustle the sheets when my stomach starts rumbling with the post-beer shits?

when will i finally be able to just relax my stomach muscles after a mexican dinner date?

when will i be able to turn to my lover and say, “oh, (insert name here), that was a fantastic fuck session. so fantastic, i’ve got to go take a dump now. gahd i love you.”

WHEN!?

that being said…apples make me gassy. thanks a lot, fiber.

- mc

nedhepburn:

eye knead two gettlayed.

you and me both, homeboy.

Oh ick, I think I hate him again.

kissandtell:

kissandtell:

He’s one of those people who says “hi” during sex.

R

i want to know…

did you respond?

any guy who says ‘hi’ during sex or a makeout should be kicked in the nuts immediately. way to ruin the moment, you ass hat.

- mc

 Oh my God, you guys, I wish it had just been one time. The first time he said “hi” I said “hello”. The next time he said “hi” I said “yeah, hi”. The next 48 times he said “hi” I zoned out and pretended he was Christian Bale.

r

Oh ick, I think I hate him again.

kissandtell:

He’s one of those people who says “hi” during sex.

R

i want to know…

did you respond?

any guy who says ‘hi’ during sex or a makeout should be kicked in the nuts immediately. way to ruin the moment, you ass hat.

- mc

Oh ick, I think I hate him again.

kissandtell:

He’s one of those people who says “hi” during sex.

R

GROSS GROSS GROSS.  
Girl, I will drive the getaway van.  Let’s white bronco your ass outta this, STAT.

- M

i had a dream i was engaged to my sixth grade crush. he broke up with his long-time girlfriend (they’ve been together since we were 16) and realized he was in love with me. weird, eh?

i guess i dreamt this because my best friend since the sixth grade’s marriage is dissolving. could be it.

- mc

Oh ick, I think I hate him again.

He’s one of those people who says “hi” during sex.

R